1. Blog post comment about phenomenology (Winter 2014)

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In answer to your question, it is my opinion that phenomenological theory emphasizes the effect of literature on a particular reader, and it is this effect that helps us recognize how literature itself is unique and deserving of our attention. In other words, our reasons for studying books and their history lie with the undisputed fact that books have been important to people in many different ways throughout history.

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This comment is in direct relation to the question posed by one of my classmates.  I didn’t look at the question he asked – I just remember this comment as being particularly hard to get through.  The intent of the posted comment, therefore, was simply to answer his question, and to further the ideas in the original blog post, which was something about phenomenological theory as it relates to book history & the purposes of studying book history.

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My comment, however, does a rather poor job of answering the question.  I can tell without even looking at the question because my own words are over-complex and hinder the understanding of the actual ideas.  There is one point where I wrote the same idea in two differently worded sentences, both overly complex – instead of going for simple language to convey my ideas in a way that was easily digestible, I went for complex language, hard to disentangle and very hard to digest.  It’s also annoying to read.

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I could use this as a demonstration of my writing process when I’m self-editing while I write – the sensation of censoring my words even before I put the words on a page.  It could be used as a good demonstration of my writing process, in which my own fears/anxieties inhibit my ability to write anything coherent at all.  It is also a good example of being afraid of others’ perceptions of me (effect of a public forum for writing), and feeling intimidated by the older students in my class to such an extent that I had to use over-inflated language.  It is useful in that, in a form that others would argue is very low-stakes (blog comments are not exactly known for their literary astuteness), I was still unable to let myself relax.  I could also use this to inform the fact that, at the time of my writing this, I thought I was being really smart; now I have come to a better understanding of myself as a writer enough to know my mistakes, but still unable to fix them.  Perhaps I could bolster this idea with evidence further in my paper – and later, chronologically – about how identifying my unhealthy habits is not enough to fix them.

 

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2. Journal entry from childhood (~2003)

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I found it.  The key to my plan.  It was a sign up sheet for the 1st kid to experience the so called glories of space.  I read:

            ONE LUCKY CHILD WILL BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE

            THRILL OF A LIFETIME.  LED BY HIGHLY TRAINED AND

            EXPERIENCED ASTRONAUGHTS.

            THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED TODAY AT 9:30 ON

            THE RADIO (99.5)

            [BLAST OFF IN 5 MONTHS]

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The intent of this journal entry is pretty innocent, I think.  The author is my second grade self, on top of the monkey bars, just trying to imagine something more fun than what her life is like.  The document is designed to achieve that for her.  It wants to tell a story about a kid’s adventure, and has underlying values of escapism and entertainment for the author.

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Perhaps the text is achieving that to a second-grader, but as a whole the story is both incomplete and poorly written.  Adults would respond by thinking it is cute, but most likely wouldn’t value it for any writerly merit.  Since the purpose at the time of its conception was to create a fun story, especially one in which kids had a lot more agency than they realistically do, it might achieve that given the right audience member.

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The excerpt is potentially useful in describing my style of writing a long time ago: careless, silly, and intended for fun above all else.  It’s one of few pieces of writing that I’ve kept from those days.  It was originally written in pencil in a multi-colored notebook; the handwriting itself is very underdeveloped and wobbly, as one would expect from someone who just learned to write and is practicing her cursive.  It’s so innocently childlike – everything from the 5-month lift-off, to the winner being announced on the country music radio channel, to the idea that anybody would think an advertisement posted in a grocery store for a trip to outer space would be legit.  Providing this as a contrast to some of my more recent journal entries would be both thought-provoking and depressing. 

 

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3. More recent journal entry (Summer 2016)

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Today I beat the funk for a few hours.  I had to bribe myself with an extra-large Slurpee, but I was able to sit there for a few hours and get some work done. Then I went back to feeling anxious and terrible.  When I woke up I had already felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.  I was just sitting, but I felt so anxious that I could have started twitching at any moment.  Later, I had a million things I could have done, some productive, some not so productive, but I panicked and did nothing for a long time.

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My journal as a medium is meant for therapeutic purposes.  Nobody ever reads what I write in it – including myself.  Therefore I have to believe the intent of this excerpt is to exist as an outlet of my thoughts from the time I was writing.  I don’t expect or want much else out of my journal other than a place to log my thoughts.  It’s designed to achieve an archive of my evolution at various stages of my life.

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Given the contents of this journal entry, it seems like writing it was a good decision for me at the time.  It’s pretty depressing.  It is also very honest in a way that I would not be in a different type of medium, which means it is achieving its intent to provide a therapeutic outlet. 

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That in mind, I could probably use an excerpt like this to analyze how my writing style looks when I’m writing for me versus how it looks when I know other people are going to be reading and assessing my writing.  I think the variations between the two would be interesting.  I could also consider using it as a point of comparison for the journal entry from my childhood, which was story-based (probably because nothing that important happened in my daily life back then), silly and innocent. 

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4. English 325 Essay: “What They Don’t Tell You About Anxiety”

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That’s what they don’t tell you about anxiety: it’s about control. Whether it’s the everyday stresses – the type of anxiety that people most often refer to – or the more serious stuff, every permutation of the disease stems from a need for control. Earlier in my life, it was most often the things that were beyond my control that I worried the most about – like whether my job application would be accepted, or if the audience would be unforgiving when I made the high school graduation speech. And while I made that speech with shaking legs and a dry mouth, I realized that my onstage afraid-ness was the very thing I had been afraid of.

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This essay excerpt is meant to communicate the experience of having anxiety.It is a personal narrative essay designed to describe what anxiety is like to people who have not experienced it at an intense level.The title itself indicates that the purpose is to speak to audience members who don’t necessarily understand and help them achieve an understanding about what dealing with it is like.

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The source as a whole achieves its purpose relatively well, but is far from perfect.  As my perspective and thoughts about my experiences have shifted, I can see parts in this essay where my analysis wasn’t true to what I believed. This excerpt is one of the better parts of the essay because it is straightforward, not dramatic, and doesn’t use too many metaphors – this is the style I’ve come to appreciate in illness narratives.

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Since anxiety and fear in writing is the main subject of my writer’s evolution essay, I think this excerpt could be used for form, content, or both.The anxiety that I talk about in the essay connects pretty well to my argument that writing is terrifying because others’ reactions to it are to some degree out of my control.It could also be used for stylistic analysis, to see how I went about narrating something important to me.Or I could use it as an exploration of my writing process, especially my internal feelings while writing.I remember feeling very lost while I was writing this essay, and for the sake of convenience I steered it to a place that was aesthetically pleasing but ultimately not representative of the truth.

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5. Writing 300 Essay: “I Didn’t Plan for This to Happen” (Winter 2015)

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Even now, as I struggle against the urge to restate my main ideas in this conclusion, I remind myself that my writing is fundamentally a process of discovery, and I must now allow myself to reach a destination. If nothing else, my learning experiences have made me realize that there’s a certain degree of improvisation that is necessary in writing. Learning to write is not so much about following a “proper” format or vernacular as it is about identifying when those conventions are appropriate and when they obstruct the project’s full potential. For me, I know I’m achieving progress when I realize I never really knew my move before I made it.

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This source is trying to achieve an exploration of my writing process as it was a few years ago.Its intent is to reflect on past writing experiences and meditate on how I have developed as a writer.Rather than answering the question “Why I Write,” this essay is designed to answer “How I Write.”

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Overall, I think this essay achieved what it set out to achieve.  Looking back at it, I still believe all of the things I wrote, which means I did a decent job giving examples and analysis that fit with my real experience.  It reads like an essay that is both reflecting on the past and figuring out what exactly is going on at the same time.   One would have to buy into the idea of writing as a process of discovery in order to understand what this essay is trying to achieve.

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The content of this excerpt is interesting in the context of my current project because it demonstrates one of the reasons why I find writing terrifying: I’m usually not sure what I’m writing until I’ve written it.  This essay, however, reads much more confident than my current writer’s evolution project; I might be able to take a look at that as a representation of the paradox I discuss in my project – while writing is terrifying as a process of discovery, it is so rewarding for exactly the same reason. 

 

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6. English 313 Essay: “Victims of the Shoah: Internal Decay or Death” (Fall 2014)

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In a contemporary world where the occurrence of something as atrocious as the Shoah might seem hard to believe, it is almost impossible to fully grasp the plight of its victims. But, in trying to understand the system that facilitated Levi’s experience and that of so many others like him, something may be gleaned of the very human nature that tolerated and engaged in the moral degradation and extermination of millions of people. Levi’s recollection prompts readers to be conscientious, to recognize remnants of the Shoah that still threaten today’s world, and to ask themselves: what would I be willing to sacrifice – my sense of morality, or my life?

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The purpose of this essay is to form an argument about Primo Levi’s book The driving question of this essay is the question: why did prisoners in Auschwitz steal from each other, effectively making each other’s lives that much more difficult?The ultimate argument of the paper is that the systemic oppression of Auschwitz is the reason for this common behavior.It wants to convince the audience that some of the small things like stealing someone’s spoon or bowl, things which might seem morally reprehensible normally, were pure survival instinct; this is not something easy to understand for those of us who have been privileged enough not to have experienced something like this.

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I find the essay rather persuasive in its argument.  It presents case studies and excerpts of text from the original book, along with Levi’s commentary on what he saw, in order to prove a point.  It is a little philosophical in terms of its audience.  It might be the case that a clear understanding of the conditions of Auschwitz and a clear historical grasp on the Holocaust itself might be necessary in order to fully grasp the argument put forth in the essay.

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This essay is potentially useful due to the process by which it was written.  I remember the project of writing this paper as a very free-form process; I started my research with the genuine question of what we’re supposed to make of the levels and layers of morality Levi presents us with in Auschwitz.  The conclusion of this paper represents the first time I’d concluded an analytical argument without restating the main points.  It therefore indicates a beginning understanding of writing as a process of discovery in which concluding by gesturing to larger ideas is acceptable.  This could be useful to my writer’s evolution essay as a point of origin that could help account for the increase in fear towards writing that I’ve been feeling since I was a kid.

 

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7. Middle School Essay: “A Walk in the Woods” (~2006)

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I quietly shut the bedroom door behind me and creeped down the hall, stepping over the creaky floorboard I knew was there.

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The assignment which prompted this essay was simple: it asked for an adventurous narrative.This paper was written in my 6th grade English class.The purpose of this essay, much like the purpose of my journal entry when I was a kid, was to narrate an interesting story wherein the main protagonist, a kid, did something adventurous, exciting, and a little dangerous.

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The essay as I remember it was not entirely realistic, nor was it well put together.  Looking back at it, it does not achieve the storytelling effect my younger self was going for.  The tendency of those stories is to skip to the good part where all the action happens. 

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This excerpt sticks out in my mind because the teacher read it out loud in front of the class after I handed it in.  She used it as an example of descriptive writing, because she really liked this bit about the creaky floor board.  I remember feeling both proud and embarrassed at the same time.  This could therefore serve as an interesting example of my reaction to seeing people consume my writing in real-time.  However, because it’s a rather outdated memory, it might not be effective for the writer’s evolution essay.

 

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8. English 318 Essay: “In the Eyes of a Scientist” (Winter 2015)

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After analyzing the evidence, an appropriate conclusion to draw would be that Gottlieb went senile because the downfall of the phage experiment represented his complete lack of understanding of the social and the failure of the cardinal rules of science that he had built his life around, symbolizing his reasons for losing touch with reality. His downfall as it relates to social and scientific failure is of thematic relevance to the novel; throughout the novel, we see Gottlieb and Martin alike struggling against social convention and clinging to scientific truth to ground them. However, Lewis’ decision to drive Gottlieb to madness shows the consequences for when someone like Gottlieb, who religiously relies on science and fails to comply with social convention, is let down by his scientific ideals.

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The purpose of this essay was to answer a question that had come up while I was reading by Sinclair Lewis.It is less of an argumentative essay than an investigative essay.It starts with the question: Why did Gottleib go senile?This question exists in place of a traditional thesis statement.The remainder of the essay seeks to answer the question through an analysis of the novel itself, and provides a log of my process trying to find the answer to my question, the evidence I look at, and the progress I make along the way.

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This essay is effective as an investigative analysis, but not very effective in terms of an argument.  Most of the essay narrates my coming to an answer rather than attempting to persuade the audience that my answer is correct.  In order for this essay to achieve what it sets out to achieve, the audience would need to have a working knowledge of the text and would have to be open minded about the conclusion I end up making.

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The excerpt here could be useful to my writer’s evolution by providing evidence for practicing writing a conclusion that answers a question.  It might be interesting for the purpose of analyzing the process of writing this paper: the assignment required that I ask a question and answer the question in the conclusion.  I therefore chose a question I was genuinely puzzled by, which was a little anxiety provoking but which I found greatly rewarding.

 

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9. English 367 Essay: “Examining Lear: The Power Behind Origination” (Fall 2014)

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Ex nihilo nihil fit: from nothing nothing is produced.2 This is “a maxim derived from Aristotle, [and] was accepted by the Christian Middle Ages with the single exception of God having created the world out of nothing” (Shakespeare 2495, note 1). The notion of powerlessness is fundamental to understanding this Christian doctrine, which is precisely why Lear in William Shakespeare’s King Lear continuously misquotes and misunderstands the principle of ex nihilo. This essay will examine three such situations chronologically in which Lear reinforces his own arrogance and poorly judges the situations because of it. Lear’s use of various versions of the phrase “nothing comes from nothing” and the contexts in which he uses them are indications of his stifling egotism and his faulty perception of himself as a bearer of God-like power; furthermore, his misuse of the phrase throughout the play and the tragic consequences that result from it are devices used by Shakespeare as a means of reinforcing the Christian interpretation of ex nihilo nihil fit, in which God is the only exception. 

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This excerpt is from an argumentative essay about King Lear.  The essay’s intent is to show the interaction of King Lear with the Christian maxim “from nothing, nothing is produced.”  Ultimately, it attempts to persuade the audience that Lear uses the phrase because he is an egomaniac, thinks himself on par with God, and spawns his own tragic ending as a result.

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Ultimately, the essay feels somewhat contrived, and doesn’t quite achieve what it sets out to do.  One would need to have a solid grasp on Lear and his story in order to even follow the argument.  The argument in the thesis is manifold, and ultimately proves too complex an argument to tackle with the page constraints of the assignment.

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The excerpt might be used for an analysis of the process by which I wrote it.  I remember very clearly the difficulty of writing this paper.  It remains one of the most difficult papers I’ve written, because I set my sights very high (maybe a little too high) in an effort to prove myself original.  It is, after all, very difficult to come up with an original argument for a Shakespeare play.  This issue of originality and writing for the sake of others’ impressions ties in with the themes of my evolution essay, making this a good example for the ways my habits are detrimental to my writing. 

 

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10. English 495 Thesis Excerpt: “Nurses of the Vietnam War: Life-Writing, Trauma, and Gender” (Fall 2016)

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PTSD, which was experienced by a great number of Vietnam veterans but not officially regarded as a medical condition until 1980 (Norman 144), may be a factor in many of the nurses’ narratives.  According to Caruth, one reason for the difficulty of traumatic recall is that the traumatic event itself was never fully processed by the individual, even as it happened.  Her description of “intrusive images and thoughts” substantiates Smith and Watson’s claim from earlier: that trauma exists in the mind as “fragmentary intrusions” which resist complete understanding (Smith, Watson 27-28). Images of PTSD constitute the entire first chapter of Van Devanter’s Home Before Morning.  In this chapter, the author writes a version of herself in the present tense; it is 3 a.m., and the narrator struggles to sleep.  Within small, italicized sections, which interrupt the narrator’s main scene, exists a still earlier version of Van Devanter – the one in Vietnam

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This thesis is designed to achieve an analysis of Vietnam War nurse memoirs, which constitute a sub-genre that is, for the most part, unrecognized by the critical community.  The essay wants to look closely at the memoirs to understand how things like trauma, gender, and the constraints/characteristics of the autobiographical form itself play a role in shaping their narratives.

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While the work as a whole is not entirely finished, it is so far achieving its goal.  It provides necessary historical information and is readily accessible for any audience interested in trauma, gender, history, memoir, war, etc.  A better understanding of this thesis could be achieved by those who are already familiar with male works of witness from the Vietnam War, which are far more well-known. 

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Since this thesis represents my most recent project and also the project of which I am most proud (even though I haven’t finished), it might have a place in my writer’s evolution as an example of writing which exists as somewhat of an exception to the anxiety that I describe in the essay.  Part of the reason for this might be because of the fact that I am always swimming in research and sources while writing, which makes it a little easier to get out of my own head.  I have also been practicing embracing the “shitty first draft” in this thesis; since it’s such a big project, relying on the fact that you will be producing a million drafts is the only way to get through it.  I think all of these elements work together to somewhat exempt it from my usual terror about writing – I’m actually excited about this ongoing project for once.